Baywatch Quahog
by Phil From Produce
Summary: Lois Griffin becomes a lifeguard along with Meg, but will their Newfound success make Peter jealous? And seriously, why did it take me 4 years to post this story?
1. A day at the beach

Author's Foreword,

 _The fanfiction you are about to read has been in my computer since roughly May of 2013. I was writing it around the time I had just moved away from my parents for the first time. At the time, I was 22 going on 23 years old, had a full head of hair and had only about $500 in credit debt. 4 years later, that amount has increased over tenfold and I am shaven bald at nearly 27 years of age._

 _The reason I never posted this story was I never felt like I completed it. I lost interest in fixing the ending so it has been sitting in wait. With the upcoming release of Baywatch; the Movie, I see this as a chance for you to read a funny tale of Family guy inspired from the Baywatch TV series. This is by no means a serious story, and as such, don't take it seriously._

 _And don't be offended. If you are, stop reading._

 _Enjoy._

 _-Phil from Produce._

()()()()

Chapter 1 - Peter's harmless prank

()()()()

The Griffin family were enjoying a day at the local beach. Lois and Meg were lying in the sun, while Peter and Chris were building a sandcastle. Chris was digging rather quickly and actually got a foot deep hole dug.

"Chris, slow down, you can't dig that fast." Said Peter

"I just did, you fat bastard!" Said Chris

"Chris, we agreed to play by the rules. You haven't found any diamonds yet, therefore you don't have the diamond shovel, and you don't have a diamond pickaxe!" Said Peter

While Chris and Peter continued to argue, a few feet away, Stewie was finishing the final touches on his sand sculpture.

"Oh, it looks magnificent." Said Stewie

Then Brian walked over and looked at it.

"What's that supposed to be?" asked Brian

"It's Brad Pitt's buns!" Said Stewie

Brian looked at the sculpture again.

"Gay." Said Brian

"It is not gay!" Yelled out Stewie

"Really? Then how do you explain the bulge in your shorts?" asked Brian

Stewie looked down and then Brian snapped his fingers on his face.

"Ow! Damn you! You lied to me!" Stewie yelled out

"You deserved it." Said Brian

Just then, 2 bikini clad girls walked up.

"Oh my god! that's Brad Pitt's ass! Who sculpted it?" asked one girl

"I did!" Said Stewie

"That's such great artwork! Are you like, a professional artist?" asked the other girl

"Oh, yes, I sculpt so many great pieces of artwork." Said Stewie

"Can you like, sculpt me?" asked the first girl

"Well, I don't know." Said Stewie

"Do it!" Said Brian

"I don't know Brian, a moment ago you thought that sculpture was gay." Said Stewie

Brian sighed.

"It does look pretty good." Said Brian

"Ha! I got you! You like Brad Pitt's ass!" Stewie declared

Brian had a look of defeat on his face.

Meanwhile, back over at the beach towels, Meg was lying face up in a black one-piece bathing suit while Lois was laying in a bikini on her flat belly letting her bare back tan.

"Mom, when can I get a bikini?" asked Meg

"Meg, we tried that already. That Victoria's secret employee had to go through therapy." Said Lois

"It's not fair! I want a bikini body like all the other girls!" Said Meg

Meanwhile, Peter had gone for a swim, when he was sneaking up on a 6-year old girl.

"Da-dun! Da-dun! Dunt-da-dunt-da, I am Peter, i'm a sharky/ I eat people/ I pull plugs on little girls rafts..." Peter then swam up and pulled the plug on the little girl's raft!

"Ahh!" the little girl fell into the water.

"Hehehehe! You got all wet!" Peter swam away laughing at the struggling girl.

Back on shore, the girl's parents were in shock.

"Oh my god! Lindsay fell into the water!" said the girl's mom.

"She can't swim!" Yelled her dad

At that moment, Lois felt a surge of responsibility and ran towards the water, dove in, and saved the little girl from drowning, and brought her to shore. The girl's parents then came and got their rescued daughter.

"You're an angel! Who are you?" asked the mother

"I'm Lois." Lois then handed over the girl. Just then, all the eyes stared at Lois. Brian's jaw slapped the sand. It was only 3 seconds later that Lois remembered she undid her bikini top to tan and noticed she was topless!

"Oh my god!" Lois covered her breasts. "This is more embarrassing than when we had barbie over for supper that one time."

(Cutaway)

Barbie is sitting at the griffin's dinner table. Peter just stares blankly at her.

"Uh, are those real?" asked Peter

"No, they're plastic." said Barbie

"Really?" asked Peter

"Sure. See?" Barbie took off her dress and showed off her top half.

"Dad, where are her nipples?" asked Chris

"Oh, I had them removed." Said Barbie

Peter groped Barbie's breasts.

"They are nice boobs. Lois, you're getting your nipples removed thursday!"

"Peter!" Lois yelled out in embarrassed frustration.

(End Cutaway)

Lois embarrassingly walked over to her towel and laid back down to continue tanning. Meanwhile, Peter came running over.

"Lois! You won't believe it! Some hot woman came running out and her boobs were flopping around and she saved a little girl!" Said Peter

"Peter, that was Lois who ran topless and saved the girl." Said Brian

"Oh god, Lois! I told you that you have to wear a top! You're a big girl now! Geez, you embarrass me sometimes." Peter reprimanded

Peter then walked off to continue working on his sand castle with Chris.

"Lois, that was incredible! You looked like a baywatch girl!" said Brian

Lois giggled at the compliment.

"Oh-ho-ho, thank you Brian." Said Lois

When Brian walked off, Lois had an idea.

"I should totally become a lifeguard! I'll be a better lifeguard than Kermit the Frog!"

(Cutaway)

A little boy was drowning in the middle of a pool.

"What the hell are you doing, Kermit? Get out there and save him!" Yelled a swimmer

"I can't!" Said Kermit

"Why not! You're a frog! You can swim!" Said the swimmer

"How the hell can I swim with a hand up my ass?" Asked Kermit

(End Cutaway)


	2. Lois & Meg go to the Y

Chapter 2 - Lois and Meg go to the Y

The next morning, Peter had already left for work, while Lois was making Stewie some breakfast.

"I want waffles for breakfast!" Said Stewie

"Sorry Stewie, Chris already ate the last waffle." Said Lois

"Damn you! If I don't have waffles on my plate in 5 minutes, I shall make you into an object of lust for the masses of horny idiots scanning youtube for topless women!" Stewie yelled out.

"But I guess i'll have to buy waffles tommorow when I go shopping." Said Lois

"Damn! This is worse than when the fat man hired Miss Scarlet as his paid date, and Mr. T as a bodyguard." Said Stewie

(Cutaway)

Peter is walking on the red carpet with Miss Scarlet on his arm, and Mr. T is bodyguarding him.

"I've got the hottest piece of ass on my arm and my favorite piece of the A-team protecting me from harm. There's no way this could go wrong!" Said Peter

Just then, Col. Mustard showed up.

"Accusation! It was Miss Scarlet in the Kitchen with the Revolver!" Said Col. Mustard

Just then, the LAPD showed up, and arrested Miss Scarlet and took her away.

"Hey! Is that Mr. T?" asked one cop

"It's a black guy! Beat him!" Said another cop.

Then a swarm of LAPD ran over and started beating on Mr. T with nightsticks. Then Peter began to cry.

"I'm so lonely!" Peter cried and sobbed.

(End Cutaway)

Just then, Brian walked into the room.

"Morning Lois." Said Brian

"Good morning, Brian." Said Lois

Stewie poked brian.

"Hey Brian, I have something to show you." Said Stewie

"What is it?" asked Brian

Stewie pulled out his iPhone.

"You have an iPhone?" asked Brian

"I'm a baby, Brian! where would I get an iPhone?" Said Stewie

"From someone's purse?" asked Brian

"Ah, you catch on quickly." Said Stewie

Brian sighed.

"So was that what you wanted to show me or was it something on there?" asked Brian

Stewie then opened up a video. It showed Lois walking onto the beach with a girl in her hands. Stewie then stopped the video just before Lois's breasts were exposed, and placed the phone back in his pocket.

"What! You jerk!" Brian exclaimed

"There, there Brian, the full video is going to get posted on youtube sometime soon. I take it you will be, watching for it?" asked Stewie

"Sure I will! i'll just search for your google account on youtube and i'll see it." Said Brian

"I haven't linked my accounts. My username is Czechoslovakianczechrepublicboycheeks but the czech is spelled with an H instead of a Z, the slovakian is spelled with a W between the O and a V, the other Czech's Z is an S and the cheeks is spelled with a Z, and all the prime numbers are capitalised." Said Stewie.

There was an awkward moment of Silence.

"You're a douche." Said Brian

"Well, well, good luck looking for it." Said Stewie.

Just then, the iPhone rang. Stewie answered it.

"Hello?" Asked Stewie in a high voice

A voice on the other end spoke random letters.

"Oh yes, this is Cameron Diaz!" Said Stewie in the high voice

Then the voice spoke again.

"NO YOU MAY NOT HAVE MY BRA! GEEZ! HOW MANY OF YOU BAD TEACHER FANBOYS ARE OUT THERE!?" Stewie angrily hung up the phone.

()()()()

Meanwhile at school, Meg was at a job seminar. She was looking at possible jobs for her future. As she scanned the boards for information, Connie D'amico taunted her.

"Oh, I am so going to be a model." Connie D'Amico spoke in her typical girly voice.

"I could be a model." said Meg

"They don't model hippos, Meg." Said Connie

"At least whatever job i'll have is real! I won't be oggled by nerds searching for the Wal-mart flyer!"

(Cutaway)

Neil Goldman was looking through the local paper.

"Ok, where are you my beauties?" he talked to himself, digging till he found the flyers.

"Ah, here they are!" he said. He skipped through the flyers until he found the Wal-Mart flyer. he opened it and looked for the girls in bras.

"Oh yeah! Neil Goldman, get ready to get it on with 6 of the Wonderbra models!" Neil unzipped his pants

(End Cutaway)

"Whatever. Good luck to you, Hippo-ass!" Said Connie, strutting off. A freshly depressed Meg kept looking down the list until she came across the YMCA table. A lady in a red shirt stood there.

"Hello miss. Want to be a lifeguard? It's not too hard. You just bitch at little kids when they run around, wipe down the men's swim team, and to clean up the men's changeroom. Sometimes even when the men are in there."

The opportunity sounded way too good for Meg to pass up.

"Done! Where do I sign up?" asked Meg

"Here. You'll have to go through 3 months of rigorous lifeguard training, You'll get into such great shape! Are you willing to go through the 3 months of training instead of just eating diet pills like candy?" asked the lady

"Does Big bird have a yellow penis?" asked Meg

(Cutaway)

Big bird is visiting a doctor.

"So doctor, what's wrong with me?" asked Big bird

"Big bird, that's just your penis." said the doctor

"What's a penis?" asked Big bird

(End cutaway)

Meanwhile, back home, Lois went digging through her drawers and found her old One-piece swimsuit. While she slipped into it, Brian frantically searched youtube for the video Stewie had. as he searched, Lois stepped into the room. Brian immediately switched pages.

"Ok Brian, i'm off to the YMCA." Said Lois

"You going to work out?" asked Brian

"No, i'm going to sign up for lifeguard classes. You inspired me, Brian." Said Lois

"Really? Well, good luck to you." Said Brian

Lois walked out of the room when Stewie walked in.

"So Brian, I haven't posted that video yet, I hope you understand, it takes a while to upload." Said Stewie

"How long will it take?" asked Brian

"Another 2 hours. It's high quality! Well worth the wait." Stewie then left the room.

"Oh god, waiting for that is worse than when the Pizza guy brings my Pizza late and I still have to pay." Brian said.

(Cutaway)

Brian was at the door, recieving a Pizza.

"The time is 8:35. I ordered Pizza from you at 7:30. you're 35 minutes late." said Brian

"No late. 18.75 please." Said the Indian delivery driver

"No, you said that if the Pizza was 30 minutes late, I get it free." Said Brian

"No, I no say that. 18.75 please!" said the indian

"You know what, i'm not going to pay you." Brian shut the door

"I no leave house till I get money." Said the indian

The indian guy stood out of the house until morning. Peter stepped out of the doorway.

"Excuse me, sir, I have to get to work." Said Peter

"No get to work until I get 18.75." said the indian

"Aren't you the indian pizza guy?" asked Peter

"I'm indian pizza guy! 18.75 please!" yelled the indian guy

"Ah, geez, i'll get Brian. Why can't you just stick to telemarketing for Apple ya jerks?" Peter slammed the door.

(End Cutaway)


	3. Training

Chapter 3 - Another montage

()

At the pool, Meg was ready to learn how to become a lifeguard.

"I'm so nervous." Said Meg

Just then, her instructor walked into the room.

"Hi, i'm Mehgan." Said the lifeguard "What's your name?"

"I'm Meg too!" Said Meg

"Awesome! We're gonna have such a good time together." Mehgan said in a bubbly voice. "First off, do you know how to swim?" asked Mehgan

"Yeah." said Meg

"Then get in the water." Said Mehgan

Meg jumped into the water.

"Ok, touch the bottom of the pool." Said Mehgan

Meg dove down into the pool. As she did, Lois walked into the room.

"Hello, I'm looking for Mr. T, is he here?" asked Lois

"Oh, he's in the other pool." said Mehgan

"Ok, he's going to be my lifeguard teacher today! Today's my first day on the job and i'm so excited!" Said Lois

"Well, you should meet my student. She's coming up now." Said Mehgan

Meg broke the surface gasping for air. Meg then saw her mother, who was also applying for the same job as she.

"Mom? What are you doing here?" asked Meg

"I'm going to be a lifeguard sweetie. What are you doing here?" asked Lois

"I'm doing the same." said Meg

Just then, Mr. T walked into the room.

"I pity the foo' who ain't in Mr. T's swim class!" Mr. T walked into the room, all bruised up from when the LAPD beat him up in the first chapter.

"Oh, you must be Mr. T?" asked Lois

"You bet. I'm your swim instructor! You gon' learn how to be a lifeguard!" said Mr. T

"What!" Said Meg, coming out of the pool.

Lois walked away with Mr. T. But as they walked off, Mehgan looked at Meg.

"Come on, get back in the pool." Mehgan jumped into the pool with Meg.

Then came a training montage, set to the montage tune from Rocky IV. Meg was training like a mad girl. For 3 months, she practiced breathholding, freediving, weightlifting, jogging, cycling, and she wouldn't eat anything with fat or sugar in it. Meanwhile, Mr. T was being rough on Lois, making her do push-ups, punching a speed bag and diving from heights into a pool. He would make her recover heavy stones from the bottom of the pool, and at one point, she recovered Fat Albert. Within 3 months, both ladies were given lifeguard certification, and Meg got herself into great shape.

()()()()

Back home, Brian spent the 3 months searching for Stewie's video of Lois. He could never find it. one day while he was searching, Stewie stepped into the room.

"Oh hey Brian, what you searchin' for?" asked Stewie

"You know what i'm searching for! What is it called?" asked Brian

Stewie changed the subject.

"Y'know, it's so great to see you have such determination, Brian. I wonder if you have determination to finish that book of yours." Said Stewie

"Enough! Stewie, just tell me the title." said Brian

"Ah, very well, Brian. It's called 'Mother saves little girl while topless.' Try that."

Brian typed in the words and found a picture on the youtube page of what looked like Lois.

"Ok, is that it?" asked Brian

"That's it!" Said Stewie

Brian clicked on the video. Then the music video for 'Never gonna give you up.' came on the screen, along with a long awkward silence.

"You're a real douchebag!" Said Brian.

"Well, he's right about something for once." Said Stewie, standing innocently.

Brian then typed in a comment. Stewie popped up and read it.

"Nice lightsabre? Geez Brian, I would've thought you would've been more creative than that." Said Stewie

()()()()

Later that day, Peter and Chris were sitting down, watching TV.

"We now return to, Home Alone Unrated." Said the TV announcer

The scene was just outside of the McAllister home, and the wet bandits were hoping for Kevin to open the door.

"Be a good little fella now and open the door!" said Harry

"Go home and get your shinebox!" Kevin blurted out

"MotherF***ing mutt! You, you piece of S***!" Yelled an angry Harry

Just then, Lois and Meg walked into the doorway.

"We're home, and guess what! You're looking at 2 of Quahog's newest lifeguards!" Said Lois

"Yeah!" Said Meg

"Woah Lois, who's this girl?" asked Peter, looking at Meg.

"That's your daughter, Meg." Said Lois

"That's not Meg, Lois. Meg is fat." Said Peter

"Peter, your daughter's been working out and she's lost the weight." said Lois

"I'm like super skinny now! And you know what? I can totally put down Neil like all the popular girls do!" Claimed Meg

(Cutaway)

Meg is walking down the hallway when Neil comes up to her.

"Hello Megan, lookin' good." Said Neil

"F*** you, creep." Said Meg

Meg pushed Neil into a locker and kicked him in the balls.

"Owww!" said Neil

"You just got beat up by a girl, nerd!" Meg walked off

(End cutaway)

"Mom even says we can share clothes now, right?" asked Meg

Lois had a nervous giggle.

"Ah, how about some other time-never." Said Lois

Chris then looked at his sister and mother.

"Wow, you are skinnier." said Chris

"Thank you, Chris." said Meg

Peter then walked up to Meg.

"Geez, hot girl who's obviously not my daughter, you and I should do something together." said Peter

Meg got a little mad.

"I don't date men with boobs, jerk!" said Meg

"That's my girl! Don't date a fat man!" Said Peter

"Ugh! I'm going upstairs." Meg stormed off a bit creeped out. Lois walked after her.

Peter then sat down, took his shirt off and looked at his man boobs.

"Why do you always have to get in the way! I hate you, big man-boobs!" Peter said to his chest.

"How did your boobs get so big, peter?" asked Brian, out of curiousity.

"Well, it was 1984 and McDonalds had that 'When the U.S. wins, then I win!' thing going on."

(cutaway)

The year was 1984 and Peter was ordering lunch at Mcdonalds.

"Ah, can I get 7 big macs, 3 Double quarterpounders, 10 things of french fries, and every different drink you have? Except diet coke, that stuff is bad for you. I'm paying in stubs."

Peter dropped multiple game pieces on the table of events the U.S. had won at the 1984 olympics.

(End Cutaway)


	4. Meg meets a boy

Chapter 4 - Meg meets a boy

()

A few days later, Meg and Lois at the local Y, working as lifeguards.

"1 more hour and then we're off" Said Meg

"It's certainly been a great experience. Those high school boys over there.." Lois devolved her voice into meowing and purring.

"I know. They're sooo cute." Said Meg

The 2 boys were sitting in the hot tub.

"I miss video games." said the first one.

"I miss my mom." said the other

Meanwhile, Connie D'Amico and her friends showed up at the pool.

"Wow, Meg, you're a lifeguard now?" asked Connie

"Yeah, totally. And guess what? I get to tell you whatever I want to tell you." said Meg

"Whatever." Said Connie

Meg grabbed her whistle and blew it.

"This girl just said a bad word! Throw her out!" Meg yelled out

4 big male lifeguards came over and grabbed Connie.

"I want my money back!" yelled Connie

"No refunds!" said the lifeguards

As Connie got hauled off, Meg smiled.

"This is more awesome than when the beast did that no-no commercial."

(Cutaway)

"It's not a laser! It's not a razor! It's No-no, the hair removal product from Europe that's sweeping the world! Just ask this satisfied customer!" then the camera showed the beast from 'Beauty and the beast'

"I was once a hairy bastard, until I found No-no. Now, my girlfriend and I have no problem doing what we want to do most." said Beast

"He's got such a huge (bleep) and I remember I would always get his fur caught in my teeth. But no longer with no-no!" said Belle

"Oh...yeah." said Beast

(End Cutaway)

"Ok boys, swim practice is over, dry off!" yelled the swim instructor. Meg brought over a towel to a boy.

"Thank you." He said

"You're welcome. Did you get a good workout?" asked Meg

"It was great. how well can you swim?" asked the boy

"Good. I'm a lifeguard." Said Meg

"By the way, my name's Leo." Said leo

Meg giggled.

"I'm Meg." Said Meg

Lois smiled as her daughter and the swimmer continued flirting amongst themselves.

"awww, that's so sweet." Said Lois

()()()()

Back home, Stewie was busy playing on his computer. Brian, pissed off that stewie was playing him, burst into the room.

"Come on, Stewie! Just tell me where the video is!" Said Brian

"Ah-ah-ah! You didn't say the magic word!" Said Stewie

"Ok, alright. Please let me see the video." Said Brian

"Oh, all right. i'll set it up for you." Said Stewie

Stewie then showed Brian the page where the video was. But to his dismay, the video was removed due to inapproriate content.

"Do you still have the video?" asked Brian

"Well, um, I didn't copy it to my computer and I gave the iPhone back to Cameron Diaz." Said Stewie

Brian was getting depressed.

"Oh God, I spent the last 3 months just dying to see that video, and now it's gone. I'm such a douchebag for wanting to see Lois topless like a pervert." Said Brian

"Ah, don't feel bad, after a while they're not really that great. Believe me, i've been staring them in the face the last year." said Stewie

"You lucky bastard." Said Brian

"Yes well, I guess I am a lucky..."

Stewie was interrupted by a ringing that went off.

"You lied! You still have the iPhone!" Yelled Brian

Then behind those doors, the only sounds that could be heard was of Brian and Stewie fighting over the iPhone. Until it broke.

"Damn you, dog! You broke my iPhone!" Said Stewie

"It was an accident! And the video's gone!" Said Brian

"This is worse than when I was on who wants to be a millionaire." stewie replied

(Cutaway)

"Ok we're back on Millionaire, Stewie is in the first round, just 2 questions to go before he gets to the second round, Stewie, are you excited?" asked Regis Philbin

"Oh, delighted! I'm about to become a millionaire!" Said Stewie

"Well, you have 2 questions left to go, you've used one jump, so let's get back into the game, let's play millionaire!"

The who wants to be a millionaire music played and stewie was read his question.

"The category is Curious George. the question is...what is the man in the yellow hat's real name? is it A; Sean, B; Shawn, C; Shaun, or D; Ravinder Singh Teabaghar?"

Stewie sat there with a blank look on his face.

"Well, i say...Regis, i think i need to jump this one." Said Stewie

"Ok, the question's out of play, let's see what the answer was." Said Regis

The light lit up on A; Sean.

"Ok, so it was sean." said Regis

"Which one?" asked Stewie

"Sean A"

"What's his last name?"

"It's option A."

"You just said sean A, what's his last name?"

"I meant A; Sean."

"I KNOW IT'S A SEAN! I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHICH ONE!" Stewie yelled out

"Ok, let's just move onto the next question. This is your Million Dollar question! Your category is "Songs" and here is the question. When does the song that doesn't end, end? is it A; never, B; after a minute and 30 seconds, C; 10 hours, or D; until christ's second coming?"

Stewie sat back in his chair.

"You know, Unlike the Simpsons', I believe this audience is smart, so let's poll them." Said Stewie

"Ok, audience, On your keypads, vote now!" Said Regis

the audience voted. it came down to the following - 80% said never, 12% said after 1 minute and 30 seconds, 2% said 10 hours, and the last 6% said until christ's second coming.

"So, it looks like an obvious choice." Said Regis

"I'll say, ok, so i'm going A; Final answer!" Said Stewie

The audience waited in anticipation.

"No, stewie, it was after 1 minute and 30 seconds." said Regis

Stewie stood there silent for a second. Then he punched Regis really hard in the face.

(End Cutaway)

()()()()


	5. The Conclusion

Chapter 5 - The great conclusion

Back home in Quahog, Peter was depressed. while he sat in the livingroom, Brian showed up and sat down next to him.

"What's troubling you Peter?" asked Brian

"Aw, it's just Lois is now talking about all the fit guys that go to the pool and how she loves that job, and I just can't get into my job like she's into hers." Said Peter

"Wouldn't that motivate you to lose weight?" asked Brian

"Remember, we tried that. I ended up getting it back." Said Peter

"Yeah, I remember. You also became a bonehead." Said Brian

"I haven't been this depressed since I forgot the lyrics to Jesus is a friend of mine." Said Peter

(Cutaway)

Peter was playing a bass guitar and singing with Sonseed on a small, obscure christian TV show.

 _"Jesus is a friend of mine! Jesus is a friend of mine!"_ Sang the backup singers. Then the camera cut to Peter.

 _"He taught me how to live, my life as it should be."_ Then Peter forgot the lyrics " _He taught me how to wash my hands right after I pee. I have many friends, I can tell you that, Jesus never tells me that i'm fat!"_

Then Peter kept playing while the group just stared at him in shock.

(End Cutaway)

"Maybe you should let Lois know how you feel." Said Brian

"I don't know Brian, I want Lois to be happy, but I kinda wish things were normal again. I kinda miss the times Meg would come home and cry about how she wouldn't ever have a boyfriend, now all she does is brag about how her ass feels like Shaq was playing the bongos on speed." Said Peter

"So what are you gonna do about it?" Asked Brian

Peter thought for about 20 seconds.

"That's it!" said Peter

"What's it?" asked Brian

"it's...ah, no i forgot." Said Peter

Peter sat and thought for another 20 seconds.

"That's it! We'll go to the beach and get Lois and Meg fired by making it impossible to rescue someone!" Said Peter

"And let me guess, the rescuee is going to be you?" asked Brian

"What's a rescuee?" asked Peter

Brian sighed.

()()()()

Meanwhile, Lois and Meg were patrolling the beach in bright yellow baywatch swimsuits.

"My god, Meg, you're really looking good." said Lois

"Thank you mom. You look great too." Said Meg

"everyone seems to agree." Said Lois

The Mother/Daughter duo walked along the beach, garnering whistles and catcalls from male bathers.

Meanwhile, Peter was on a raft on the water.

"Ok, here goes." He said

Peter flipped the raft over and started pretending to drown.

"Ahhhhh! Help! I can't swim!" Yelled Peter

Back on shore, people looked over and noticed Peter was thrashing around.

"Oh my god! Hang on sir! I'm coming!" Yelled Lois

Lois and Meg ran out in tandem, and in slow motion. Everyone's heads bobbed up and down as they stared at the mother/daughter duo's breasts. Both of them dived into the water and swam speedily out to Peter. Meg reached him first, but before she could see who it was, Peter thrashed around and pushed Meg underwater. Meg stayed underwater too long and drowned. Meanwhile, Lois showed up and grabbed Peter's arm and held onto him. Then she realized who it was.

"What! Peter, what the hell's the matter with you?" Lois yelled

"Lois! I'm tired of you being a lifeguard! Look what you're doing to yourself! You're just eye candy in a yellow bathing suit!" Said Peter

"Peter, I'm a lifeguard! By wearing this bathing suit and strutting around in great shape i'm doing a service to the people of Quahog!" Said Lois

"Really lois? You just strut around in a bathing suit and take compliments from strangers! do you know what those strangers do when they go home after seeing you?" Exclaimed peter

Then Lois came back to her senses.

"My god! you're right! I have been like that lately! I'm sorry, peter!" Said Lois

"Well, it's ok. Hey, where's meg?" asked Peter

Lois then looked around.

"Ah, she's a strong swimmer. she'll be fine, wherever she is." said Lois

So the couple swam back to shore together.

()()()()

3 days later, a bloated body washed up on shore in a yellow swimsuit. It was Meg. But out of the Blue, Came Mario and Luigi.

"Ah! Luigi! It'sa dead goomba!" Said Mario

"Whata shoulda-we do with it-a?" asked Luigi

"Give it-a 1-upa!" Said Mario

Luigi then pulled out a 1-up mushroom, and threw it at Meg's body. She immediately came back to life.

"Uh, what the..." Said meg, sitting up.

"You just gotta washed up on shore...my god, you're ugly!" Said Mario

"Your body-a bloated!" Said Luigi

Meg noticed her perfect body had been ruined by the seawater. She ran away in tears.

()()()()()


End file.
